


Back on Track

by Iamsherlocked07



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:13:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26180041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iamsherlocked07/pseuds/Iamsherlocked07
Summary: CJ and Toby spend the weekend after the midterms repairing their relationship.
Relationships: C. J. Cregg/Toby Ziegler
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first multi chapter fic! Thank you all for the support and encouragement I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Big thanks to heylovely_itsme for help on this fic

Sitting outside in the brisk fall air felt like taking the first big breath after being underwater. The midterms were over, bringing rather unspectacular results. Perhaps any other night this would have sent Toby into a tizzy but tonight he couldn’t find it in him to care. He’d finally asked the president for a leave of absence. His breaking point was weeks ago but he’d wanted to hold out until Election Day. The president hadn’t necessarily given him the time off he was hoping for. But he gave him something—the knowledge he wasn’t the only one in this battle, the assurance that there may be another side of this all. 

He was surprised CJ sat next to him on the stoop. He certainly didn’t deserve her attention after the way he’d acted the last few weeks. But that was CJ, ever patient with him, ever constant for reasons beyond his understanding. Her hand on his shoulder spread warmth through his entire body. He had the sudden urge to be closer to her, to lay his head on her lap, rest there with her. 

He made the decision to ask for a leave of absence the night CJ came into his office looking for the statement on Asia-Pacific. The days prior had been fraught. She’d been cautious around him, keeping her distance. Toby wasn’t sure if it was for her protection or his own. He saw the way people looked at him when they thought he wasn’t paying attention. Giving each other nervous glances as if he was a bomb ready to detonate at any moment. And in a way, he had been. CJ took the blast that night when she’d asked him if he thought they ought to lock up anyone with a white sheet. “Yes I do,” he bellowed. The last of his composure cracking. When he raised his head to look at her, she wore a pained expression. Her eyes were glassy. Shock and hurt etched into her skin. He scared her that night. He’d gone too far over the edge and he couldn’t tell if she had been afraid of him or afraid for him. Afraid that he was beyond her reach. Afraid he was headed for utter disaster. 

But tonight she was warm and bright and soft. She carried a hopefulness that eluded him. Maybe she sensed the shift in him and she was trying to ease her way back into his orbit. They finished their beers, Josh beginning to look worn out. When they said their goodbyes Toby couldn’t help but notice the way CJ clung to him a little longer than usual, bringing her hand to cradle his head. “It was good to see you,.” she told Josh in barely a whisper. He gave her a winning smile and a peck on the cheek. Toby suddenly understood just how much she felt was at stake lately. She’d been losing the men in her life one by one. First with her father’s recent forgetfulness. Then with her ever unpredictable relationship with Danny. The shooting nearly taking Josh and the president. And then slowly him. His heart clenched painfully thinking how her world must have seemed to be falling apart. He clumsily grabbed at her hand as she walked down the steps, blinking away tears. CJ looked at him, surprised at his sudden closeness. They’d barely touched in weeks. 

“Toby?” Her bright blue eyes studying him.  
“Come home with me?” he asked sheepishly. What he was really saying was “I’m sorry. I need you. I’m ready now.” Her shoulders relaxed slightly. “Okay,” came her reply.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into Toby’s state of mind and how he’s been coping (or not). CJ is there to guide him through it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoy! Please let me know what you think.

When they got to Toby’s apartment, CJ excused herself to the bathroom, taking a moment to splash cool water on her face and collect herself. She was surprised he asked her to come over. He seemed so urgent earnest, different somehow. Even slightly. She wasn’t sure what to expect, what she agreed to. All she knew was she missed him desperately.

When she stepped out of the bathroom, he had their drinks ready. Scotch for him. Red wine for her. His glass was already half empty. CJ began to feel uneasy. She could usually handle Toby. She was the one person who always knew how. She wouldn’t flinch or bristle at him on days he was particularly grouchy. She’d stand up for him and to him. Try to see things from his perspective. But lately she barely recognized him. There was an anger to him she’d never seen before. He was vengeful. He tilted dangerously on axis and she wasn’t quite sure how to bring him back. She sat on the opposite side of the couch, aching from the space between them. Toby drained the rest of the alcohol from his glass and stood to pour another. CJ decided to try to keep up, at least it might calm her nerves. 

Hi lit a cigar, settling into the armchair across the room. CJ wasn’t thrilled that he was smoking for the second time tonight, but the smell, so intrinsically him, was incredibly soothing to her. She rested her head on her hand, closing her eyes. She must have fallen asleep for a while because when she opened her eyes, the cigar had burned out and Toby was pacing the length of the room. He had another full glass of scotch in one hand, the other clenching and unclenching. He was mumbling slightly. CJ sighed. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” She asked and he’d jumped at the sound as if he’d forgotten she was there. Toby shook his head, bracing himself against his desk. Suddenly, he swept his hand, clearing everything from the surface. Papers and pens and books flying every which way. Given the state of the rest of this apartment, CJ guessed this was a regular occasion. “Fuck!” He bellowed, smacking the table so hard the sound made CJ’s stomach sick. She walked over to him slowly, cautiously. CJ took the drink from his hand, “no more of this, Tobus” she chided. He avoided her gaze. She took his hand and led him to the couch. 

“You have to feel it, Toby” a hint of of apology in her voice. His chuckle turned to a sob and he buried his head in her neck. She wrapped her arms tightly around him, rocking slightly. Her hands caressing every part of him. Rubbing soothing circles on his back, cradling his head, playing with his soft curls. CJ felt the tears in her own eyes. She cried for him, for his pain. For the nights they’d spent alone, apart from one another. Cried from relief that he finally let his guard down. He quieted after a while, and she felt him slacken against her. “Come to bed,” she murmured, “I’ll hold you.” He nodded. Soon after, Toby was softly snoring, his back flush against her chest, her arms tight around his waist. She held him as if trying to absorb him into her. Trying to fuse them together again. Bring him back to life. She just hoped she wasn’t too late.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CJ and Toby find their way back to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably my favorite chapter! I’m so excited to share it with you all. Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!
> 
> I tend to write angsty stuff but my goal for this fic really is to give Toby a chance to be soft/vulnerable and have CJ let down her guard a bit and not have to be so tough all the time. 
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading I hope you enjoy!

Toby awoke to an empty bed Saturday morning. He rolled over and looked at the clock, 9:30. When was the last time he’d slept that late? He could barely remember the last time he’d slept more than a couple hours at a time. He was rested but his head throbbed from the alcohol and tears. He shuffled into the kitchen and found CJ sitting at the table reading the New York Times. His heart skipped when he noticed she was wearing one of his flannel shirts. “Morning, there’s coffee,” she greeted. He mumbled in response, still a little groggy. He thought absentmindedly that she looked good sitting at his table. It felt so natural to him. He would be happy to do this every Saturday. 

Toby put two pieces of bread in the toaster, lost in thoughts about the night before. Had he been too much for her? He didn’t want to admit it, but crying like that had been such a relief. He was never quite sure how to put himself together after a flood of strong emotions. But she always knew what to do. The low hum of the washing machine distracted him from his thoughts. He turned from the counter, “Are you doing laundry?” “Mmhm,” she replied, not looking up from the paper. Toby stopped, looking around the kitchen. She’d cleaned up his empty bottles, dishes, and clutter. He peered into the living room to see she’d done the same there. He couldn’t remember the last time he saw the top of his coffee table and the mess he made the night before was gone. Somewhat stunned, he opened the fridge to get coffee creamer. It was full of food that certainly hadn’t been there yesterday. “And you went grocery shopping,” he noted. “Did you know all you had in this house was frozen dinners and scotch?” CJ quipped. He stood silently for a moment. Had she misunderstood him? Of course he appreciated her efforts, but that hadn’t been why he asked her over. He wanted to fix things between them, spend time together. This certainly wasn’t his expectation. “CJ, I didn’t ask you to come over here so you could be my maid,” he said, a hint of caution in his voice. “What’s the matter Ziegler, not into that kinda thing?” She teased. 

She was deflecting, giving him a pass from having to discuss his feelings any more than absolutely necessary. CJ took care of things because that’s how she could say ‘I love you’. She was trying to continue their unspoken dialogue. He would show her he loved her all the same. He would show her he was trying, he was done running. He leaned against he counter, she felt his eyes on her and met his gaze. In a quiet rumble he said, “I’m serious, sweetheart. You didn’t have to do this,” trying to convey all the devotion he felt. She blushed at his endearment, always sensitive to the silky quality of his voice when he used them. Even after all these years, it turned her insides to molten lava. 

They spent the day working and reading. Navigating around one another, still not sure how to fit back together. Every so often she’d catch him glancing at her from across the room. They’d dance around one another, seeing how close they could get without threatening the balance. They’d ask each other questions they knew the answer to, just for an excuse to talk. CJ would pretend she needed a policy explained to her again, Toby asked about upcoming TV appearances and what she thought of the new CNN anchor. 

Some of the ice melted between them when Toby went to reach for a cigar and noticed the box wasn’t in its usual spot. He looked around the room, puzzled, only to find she’d placed it on the top of his bookshelf out of reach unless he felt like retrieving the step ladder. When he turned to say something, she was eyeing him nervously, hoping she hadn’t misstepped. His small smile and exasperated laugh told her all she needed to know. They were going to be okay again. 

A few hours later, he called her over to read his draft for the President’s speech at upcoming luncheon. He reached for her hand and she allowed him to lead her closer, closer, until she settled in his lap. They pretended to focus on work but the closeness was intoxicating. Finally, he set down the papers, encircling her waist. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him close, resting her head against his shoulder. They sat like that for what felt like hours, taking each other in. Resting in the embrace. Finally, she slowly pulled back, breaking the contact. “No more work tonight,” she said decidedly, “You wanna order take out?” So they put work aside and felt into their rhythm of just being CJ and Toby, without all the titles and stress and formality. 

By late evening, she was worn out after having put the apartment back together and reading several hours worth of briefing books. Her head lay in his lap, heavy with sleep. Toby was working on the Saturday crossword puzzle, stuck on 42 across when she started murmuring and shifting restlessly. He combed his fingers through her hair. “Toby,” she whined. “I’m here, Jeanie.” he soothed. 

“No,” she cried softly and her breathing hitched. “CJ?” “Oh god no....Josh....someone help us....Toby....?” Toby’s stomach dropped. “CJ,” he said firmly, shaking her shoulders slightly. “CJ wake up, you’re dreaming.” She sat up with a start, gasping for air. Her face was lined with tears but her eyes were hazy. She was in a trance somewhere between sleep and consciousness. “I need...I have to....” she mumbled. “CJ!” Toby was desperate now. She was oblivious though and began looking around wildly, her arms flailing. She knocked her wine off the table, glass shattering everywhere. Toby jumped to his feet but stood somewhat stunned as crimson blossoms covered her knuckle. “Claudia Jean!” he grabbed her by the wrists, wincing at his use of force but needing to stop her tirade. 

She suddenly stilled, blinking up at him. “Toby?” She said quietly, somewhat dazed. She took in the sight around her. “What...” she trailed off when she noticed the blood on her hands. She paled and her hands trembled. “You had a nightmare.” Toby said slowly. “Oh god, Toby I—I’m so sorry.” He released her wrists and knelt in front of her. Her chest was heaving as she struggled to come back to consciousness. “Breathe, CJ,” he instructed. He rested his hand on her knee and she gripped it tightly with her own. She managed a few deep breaths. “Good,” he praised, “Will you be okay for a minute? I need to get you some water and my first aid kit.” CJ nodded. 

He shuffled to the kitchen, turned on the tap, and filled a glass. He ran a hand over his face warily. How had he missed this? Why hadn’t he thought to check on her these last few weeks? He shuffled to the bathroom, retrieving the first aid kit from under the sink. CJ remained perfectly still, a far away look in her eyes. He sat on the couch next to her, taking her injured hand in his. He began to work, meticulously searching for any shards of glass. She hissed when he began to dab at the cuts with a cotton ball soaked in peroxide. “I’m sorry,” he said sincerely. When he was satisfied with the cleaning, he reached into the kit and took out the anti-biotic cream which he applied to the wound. Finally, he grabbed a few layers of gauze, securing it against her hand with medical tape. Not yet ready to meet her eyes, he began lightly kneading the skin around her injury, his thumb found her pulse point, drawing small circles on her wrist. She sighed under his ministrations. He brought her hand to his lips, placing a light feather light kiss to her fingers. 

Finally he broke the silence, “Why didn’t you tell me, CJ?” He tried to hide the pain in his voice. “It’s not usually this bad,” came her quiet reply. “Usually?” He questioned. She looked away from him. He placed a hand under her chin, turning her. “We’re going to get through this,” he murmured. She nodded, eyes welling with tears. Less than an hour later, he lay looking up at the bedroom ceiling. She was asleep on his chest, exhaustion having overtaken her. He sent up a silent prayer, thankful they’d come together in time. It had been too long for each of them, stumbling their way through the dark alone thus far.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CJ and Toby take a walk and find a way to move on together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of my first multi-chapter fic! I hope you all have enjoyed it. I’d love to hear your thoughts! I’m really enjoying writing and it means a lot to have you all read this. Thank you!!

“This is nice,” CJ remarked as they walked arm in arm through the park near his apartment, leaves crunching beneath them. They were on the more wooded path per CJ’s request. She liked the anonymity of being in nature, wanted to feel the autumn breeze and get lost in the experience. It wasn’t like they were celebrities or anything but this was DC and they were recognizable people. “I mean this is really nice. We should do this more,“ CJ said, trying to sound more cheerful than she felt. “CJ, are you trying to tell me I need to start getting out of the house?” Toby questioned. She looked at him sheepishly, “Am I that obvious?” His rumbling laugh in response sent tingles through her. There were times like this when she was completely overwhelmed with love for him, it filled every part of her. Toby guided them to a nearby bench, settling next to her. He placed a protective hand on her back. When they were alone together, when privacy allowed, he couldn’t keep his hands off her. Toby rubbed circles across her back. Her spine was more pronounced than usual causing his chest to tighten. 

He didn’t want to push her, but they hadn’t talked about last night’s events and it left him feeling unsettled. When he asked her to spend the weekend with him, Toby hadn’t considered she might need him as much as he needed her. 

“How long have the nightmares been happening?” He asked softly. CJ straightened, pulling on her defenses. “Oh I don’t know. A couple weeks maybe,” she said breezily. 

“I don’t believe you,” he rumbled. She turned away from him. “Since it happened.” He nodded. “You haven’t been eating,” it was meant to be a question but he said it plainly. He knew she couldn’t bring herself to eat when she was anxious. “No, I haven’t.” He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer to him. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She sighed, “Well Toby, to be honest there’s not really room for my feelings. Between Josh fighting for his life, Leo trying not to look scared, Sam’s sad puppy eyes, and you fading away right in front of me—what was I supposed to do? After the President, I’m the most visible staff member. And he was laying in a hospital bed. So you tell me when I should have scheduled my breakdown.” Toby recoiled slightly. She was right. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. He gingerly took her injured hand in his, pressing it to his lips almost reverently. She shivered at the feeling of his warm breath and beard prickling her skin. “Don’t apologize. I haven’t been there for you and I haven’t given you enough credit. You’ve done an incredible job handling this, in every way imaginable,” he stopped for a moment, his dark eyes finding hers, “But you’re not going to be alone anymore, CJ. I’m here now.” 

Several tears ran quickly down her cheeks. She nodded and released some of the tension she’d be holding for the last few months. “It’s alright, sweetheart,” he soothed, wiping at her tears with the back of his hand. She nestled closer, resting her head on his shoulder. 

They were silent for a while, hands clasped together, Toby smoothing her hair with his free hand. “What do we do now?” he asked. She rubbed her thumb across his knuckles. “We keep doing this,” she answered, “We keep talking about it. We keep supporting each other.” 

“I’ve seen shootings before,” Toby swallowed around the growing lump in his throat, “but I’ve never been that scared in my life.” 

“I know, me either.”

“Can I drive you to work tomorrow?” he asked. 

“Yes.” 

“Do you want to have dinner together?”

“I do.” 

CJ spoke so quietly he hadn’t quite made out what she said. “Hmm?” he hummed, placing a kiss in her hair. CJ cleared her throat, “When you called for help, I thought you were hurt—I thought—I could barely breathe. And then I saw Josh and the blood and—“ she trailed unable to finish. Toby pulled her closer, tightening his grip, she was nearly in his lap now. CJ absentmindedly thought they should be careful out in public like this but she couldn’t bring herself to break the contact. 

“Jeanie, will you...stay with me for a little while?” Toby’s voice was hoarse. 

“As long as you want,” she replied, squeezing his hand. His vulnerability cost him more than he could explain. He suddenly felt tired, older somehow.

“You can sit in my office on bad days, I’ll keep you company,” she gave him a small smile. 

“You’re too good to me,” Toby choked. CJ moved his face so he was looking directly at her. “No such thing,” she said seriously, pressing her lips against his cheek, eliciting a small sigh from him. 

“C’mon, Tobus. Let’s go home.” She pulled him up off the bench, sensing his exhaustion. CJ linked her arm in his and they walked side by side back to the apartment. 

For the first time since he could remember, Toby felt he might just be okay. The days would get easier, he would have capacity to feel things other than rage and fear. He would make more time her, making note of when she was particularly jumpy or the circles under her eyes grew darker. Toby would stay near to her those days, brushing against her in meetings, finding times they could be alone and he could hold her against him. When she would reach her tipping point, he’d convince her to lay on his couch for a few hours so she could finally sleep peacefully. 

On days he was gruff and looking for a fight she wouldn’t avoid him, wouldn’t retreat from his voice echoing in the halls. CJ would walk right into his office and when he tried to fight her too, she’d remind him they were on the same team. Then she’d ask Ginger to clear his schedule of meetings for the day, close his blinds, and give him space to let his guard down. 

They found their way back to each other. They’d figure out how to spend less time with their fear and more time laughing and changing the world. They were a team again and there was nothing they couldn’t handle together.


End file.
